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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It irritates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that professional help might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This process will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.